Once again. I have embarked on this journey to write this journal. Times have gone by, and 18 creeps closer. I have come to a point in my life where I stood up and asked, where is this going?

I have come to a conclusion that I wish to learn everything, but I am demoralized by the fact that I do not understand mathematics or physics at all. I value wisdom the most, but this is something that I am not able to get. I state that I can yes study a lot of things, but I can certainly exclude physics and mathematics - although I had a dream of becoming a nuclear physician (probably spelled wrong).

I feel that I am tearing myself apart with all of the different things that life has to offer. Certainly I am not speaking of meager things as drinking or partying, life itself has so much to give to me in the way of knowledge. I want to learn biology, astrology, chemistry, art, political science, sociology etc. I want to be educated enough so I can change the world for the better - but still, I know I desire to do these things, but i can't. I cannot force myself to read or generally educate myself.

I wish to do everything and even more - but I am at a point of little or no chance of returning.